he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize