Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
