i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
