I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
