Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The uberlube is also flammable
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
