Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
