I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
