Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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