I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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