just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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