mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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