my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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