The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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