I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
