i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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