why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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