You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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