First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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