Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
