I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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