just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize