Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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