Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
