You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
how can u be prego again
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
