You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she told me i tasted like america
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
