Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
