I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize