The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
