I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
we're so committed to being not committed
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
