After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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