Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No subtext here. People are naked.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
