it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
