Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
then he tried to convert me to islam
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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