I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize