dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
