nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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