it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My hand turned me down
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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