mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
