What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
