You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
