Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
