just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
