Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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