i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
