fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
