I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize