my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
