He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
