Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
