Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
