If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
