dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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