Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
