She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
