My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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