half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We have so much sex to catch up on
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
