It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
