mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have tasted many bathrooms
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
