We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
