Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
So vagazzling was a success
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
