its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
BRING THE BAGELS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
