So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
