it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
