and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
