maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
