2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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