were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
