There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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