Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
